My beating heart grew hearts

My weekend has been deeply challenging – challenges cleverly disguised in the form of open-hearted conversations and e-mails which simply and clearly stated and re-stated – you are seen and you are loved as you are.  Being loved like that is hard to tolerate if you are a person of my constitution, namely injured at an early age but a lack of unconditional regard and warmth.  You see for me the ideas I had last week have morphed into thinking of love as a sort of mobius strip shaped out of an organic tube-like form consisting of more than anything I could possibly describe as my experience of love.


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I was in that sort of heady-head space this morning when I met Alexa and her mother Una.  Alexa is the most brilliant 3 year-old I’ve met in a long long time and her mother Una the best mother in the world for the whole of today.  Queen Una and Princess Alexa just went with the flow, Alexa made this heart as a token to herself – she wrote her name in the middle inverting the ‘e’ wow at 3 she writes already. 

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I felt like some sort of rogue surrogate mother I was so proud and impressed by her.  Queen Una said that Princess Alexa has her “moments” .  because I’m not Una I can afford to be indulgent, so I say: we should all be allowed to have moments when we’re very naughty, tremendously difficult and insanely special otherwise, if we are good, loving and kind all the time no one will notice how lovely we can be.  I declare today special and different Monday.

There is something quite painful and wonderful about not being a mother who always planned to be a mother. I did not always think this.  There was a time when being a mum ‘later’ was Plan A, then there was a time when being a mum became my own mothers Plan A for me, then when I thought I was ready there was not Plan A or B or C.  Luckily I have my godsons and my capacity to dote on other people’s children.

One of the e-mails I got this weekend was from a friend who said she caught glimpses of my child-me from time to time and that she adored being with that part of me.  For some reason this led to my chest expanding from the inside out, it hurt I felt so loved; love pains because my young, vulnerable self was being seen and recognised.  Ouch!  Then through the pains a burst of WoW!  My beating heart was growing hearts which pulsated like a posy of hurt and laughter and longing.

In the moment between wakefulness and sleep I imagined what that posy might look like and decided to realise my heart’s heart out of the love tokens I had so far collected.  So I began....

Yet my delightful day had hardly started....